My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
