Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
