he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
