Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We're too hungover to prance.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
