my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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