So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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