My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
