He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
