i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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