He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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