I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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