Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
