I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
