Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
