john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
