My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
