your parents love me but you hate me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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