I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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