this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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