Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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