I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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