It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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