Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
