worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
