I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
