The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
