Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
