I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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