Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
