I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
