You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
