so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
