onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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