why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize
