The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
