i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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