So drunk its hurt
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
