Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
