I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
