I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
