Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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