I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You are a genius and a whore.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
