so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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