I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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