How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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