some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
