she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
