my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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