Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
