my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
